Janet Walford OBE: Email from Santa

Dear Janet,

Thank you for your email containing your Xmas present wish list. Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you but we’ve had major problems here, which have combined to create a huge backlog.

As you probably know, the economic gloom has stretched far and wide and, sadly, we in the North Pole are not immune.

As a result of the government cutbacks, my budget has been severely constrained this year, and we’ve had to make some drastic adjustments to our work patterns in order to cope with the reduced funding available.

For starters, I am only being paid to work normal shifts, even in this run up to the Big Day. The elves are on go slow because of the cutbacks so the work is starting to pile up and they are in a really foul mood.

As principal shareholder in the Santa Claus enterprise, Mrs Claus has made some financial changes in an effort to save money, starting with an attack on the tradition of the 12 days of Christmas, brushing aside my protests that this should be sacrosanct.

As a financial journalist you will, of course, have heard that she started with the five golden rings. Mrs C reckons that maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors, despite the price of gold being at an all time high. Mrs C says that diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of Treasury bills and high technology stocks, appears to be more in order.

She has also insisted that the 10 Lords-a-leaping is overkill and they’re not paying their way. The days of getting substantial backhanders for peerages are long gone, and they are expensive to maintain, what with their travel expenses and all that.

So the HR department has decided that the Lords should also take on the duties of the 11 maids-a-milking and that the maids should be made redundant. Needless to say they were not happy about this, as evidenced by the sour milk I’ve had on my muesli these past few mornings.

Mrs Claus also made me pension off two of the reindeer. She said we can’t afford to keep them all year round for just one day’s work. She spared Rudolf but Donner and Blitzen have gone. She was all for having Blitzen for our Xmas lunch (likes a nice roast haunch of venison, does Mrs C), but I drew the line at that.

Another reason we are short of funds is because Mrs C was mis sold an investment bond by NHFA. That put her in a right strop, I can tell you, especially when I pointed out – probably a bit tactlessly in hindsight – that with all these elves knocking about the place, with nothing much to do most of the year, she was hardly likely to need a care home. She did cheer up a bit when she found out she’s due for some compensation, but it won’t come in time for this Xmas, sadly.