Your Industry  

The diary of George Osborne, aged 43 and 1/3

Monday. Pensions reforms so popular I’m now working on another wheeze. I’m abolishing motorway speed limits! From April Britain’s hard-pressed motorists will be free to drive as fast as they like.

I’m excluding public transport to protect the public purse. I’ll exclude company cars too. Because not everyone can drive safely at high speed, everyone’ll have free advice before driving on the autobahn.

Tuesday. Small gaffe by the Transport Minister – apparently everyone should be allowed to buy a Lamborghini and tear up and down the motorways if they want. Some say we’re being irresponsible and pandering to people with fast cars, but even the man on the Clapham omnibus thinks it’s great. After all, the omnibus only manages 16 mph.

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Motoring groups say my move will increase road deaths, but everyone else thinks that’s a small price to pay for greater personal choice. Dave agrees, and says it’ll be good for votes.

Wednesday. Asked police to consult with industry about paying for the advice – just a paper exercise because they’ve worked it out already. Driving instructors will contribute 30 per cent because they’ll benefit from people taking professional driving advice.

Independent driving instructors are livid, but who cares? They should all join the BSM! Anyway, it’s votes that count, and the public love it when we bash the industry.

Been told to say ‘guidance’, not ‘advice’, but damned if I know the difference.

Thursday. Police say today oil and motor companies should be barred from giving advice, sorry, guidance. They’re suggesting creating two bodies: the Motoring Advisory Service and The Petroleum Advisory Service. Don’t bother I say – we’ve already got Mas and Tpas, let’s use them.

Morning papers say this is about raising extra revenue from fuel duty. I say it’s about personal choice, but the Treasury has worked out we’ll raise £4.9bn in additional tax by 2020. Even the opposition is supportive.

Friday. Bit of a kerfuffle as one of our peers resigns saying the Tories ignore minority voters –utter tosh. Only today I bowed to pressure from company car drivers wanting the freedom to drive like banshees. I don’t know the banshees, but if people want to drive like them who are we to say no?

Looking forward to Saturday; I’ve got a great idea for scrapping planning regulations.

Saturday. Need to put my planning regulations idea on hold. Apparently the weekend papers are saying some drivers can’t take advantage of the new rules. Some cars, especially older models, aren’t up to it and manufacturers won’t modify the engines. Drivers will need to upgrade their car at their own cost. Bloody industry.

Sunday. Going round to Dave’s for a game of Monopoly – with real money obviously.