Why advisers need to practice self-compassion

But while advisers are focusing on ways to help clients with their financial resilience and showing compassion to their clients, it is also important for advisers to build better self-care and compassion into their own lives.

How can you care for others in an intensely people-focused profession if you are not caring for yourself?

This feature considers ways to understand intentional self-care and self-compassion, how to respond to clients who are sharing vulnerabilities, and ways to support colleagues who may be neurodiverse.

People who are neurodiverse can, but not exclusively, include people living with conditions such as autism, dyslexia, ADHD and dyspraxia.

This, at times, has almost led to my walking away from roles and/or opportunities.Johnny Timpson, GAIN

The work done to encourage people with neurodiverse conditions and mental health disabilities to build greater intentional self-care and self-compassion into their lives, is now coming to be at the forefront of a movement of greater self-awareness among the general population. 

So many people are altruistic and live lives of service that put them in stressful and emotional situations. Self-care and self-compassion can help ease a stressed adviser or colleague from the intensity and worry of a situation.

Self-compassion can provide ‘space’ in their heads and often around them, to process a situation or emotion so that the adviser can return to their responsibilities refreshed and with perspective because of the self-compassion they have shown themselves. 

Business skills

Writing for Forbes earlier this year, executive coach Martin Evans said that “compassion - more specifically, self-compassion - is one of the most powerful and underestimated business leadership skills".

Moreover, having greater self-compassion can build helpful acts of kindness into a person’s day, which not only can help the adviser but also those whom they advise and the colleagues around them.

For example, one adviser builds advice around mental wellness, helping her clients’ have a healthy and positive relationship with their money.

Cleona Lira runs Conscious Money, and helps clients transform their attitude to money from anxiety inducing, towards being a life-serving resource. Quite often, this results in clients sharing extremely personal and often emotionally charged news with her.

Compassion for your client is also compassion for yourself – it builds your understanding.Cleona Lira, Conscious Money

Timpson is an insurance industry leader who was appointed as the Prime Minister’s disability champion, before handing over that role to Zurich's Peter Hamilton in 2021.

Timpson, himself with autism, has managed to carve out a very successful career - even being awarded an OBE in the 2022 New Years Honours' List - thanks in part to what he describes as ‘self-awareness’ and the resulting self-compassion.  

Similarly, Hayley North, an adviser from Rose and North, has also been (recently) diagnosed with autism. She says she was originally believed to be neurotypical, that is, able to think, process and perceive information and situations in a neurotypical way – like the majority of the population.

She speaks of the struggle and hurdles she faced in trying to get herself accepted as a neurodiverse person, with need for certain adjustments to be made to enable her to flourish. Creating a space for personal compassion has helped her understand herself better and making decisions more confidently.

Communicating with clients who 'open up'

Lira outlines several difficult situations she has found herself in during her advice work, which have forced her to step away, "process the emotions" and think compassionately about clients.

For example, she describes a client who shared some very sad personal news with her. Lira describes her initial reaction as shock and sadness, and then an urge to provide her client with health advice, finding ways to help him.

Lira recalls: “I had remember to keep present and keep my focus on the client and remember that he wasn’t asking for advice, for me to fix it”. This impulse to solve the problem and help him with his health news, was “my own reaction pattern of wanting to solve It to make myself feel more comfortable.” 

It can be very difficult to hear of difficult and challenging situations and circumstances a client might be in, it is important to be able to process these emotions. 

Lira says that after the meeting, she will usually take a step away to process the emotions, and thinking compassionately about her client. She says: “It is a gift that they can share something vulnerable with you; as an adviser, you might be one of the first few people to know.

"I have to remember to keep present and keep my focus on the client and remember that he wasn’t asking for advice, for me to fix it, but that was my own reaction pattern of wanting to solve it to make myself feel more comfortable.  

Lira believes firmly that “compassion for your client is also compassion for yourself – it builds your understanding. It helps to accept one’s self – to learn self-acceptance, which can lead to greater acceptance and compassion for your client".

Self-care as a path to success

Timpson has lived experience of autism, and talks often about self care as part of his path to success.

Together with Laura Edmans, the financial inclusion commissioner, Timpson founded the Group for Autism, Insurance and Neurodiversity.

As previously reported by FTAdviser, GAIN is a community of people within the financial services industry with lived experience of neurodiversity.

It has been established by a growing alliance of people and organisations who are committed to seeing the opportunities realised, both for neurodiverse individuals and the financial services sector - particularly insurance.

Timpson describes how, over the years he has had numerous difficult conversations in both work and personal life settings.

He puts this down “in large part due to my masking what I now know to be my autism and “not reading the room/ moment” not always “getting the joke”, and “over thinking/analysing a situation”. Timpson also describes at times “over focussing on what I perceived to be my weaknesses”. 

The consequences were serious. “This, at times, has almost led to my walking away from roles and/or opportunities” he reports.

He believes that ways of coping and self compassion are closely eclipsed. “I’ve dealt with it and managed my mental wellbeing by developing what I now recognise as coping mechanisms and self-compassion.

He describes these as being:

• Self-awareness.
• Being kind and not hard on myself.
• Focusing on my strengths not weaknesses.
• Realising that it’s not just me and that we are all human and make mistakes.
• Redefining failure. He says: "I need to view it as 'not knowing why I did not get the outcome I sought', rather than simply not getting the outcome. If I can appreciate why something did not work and learn from it, that’s a positive outcome."
• Allowing booking out self-time to reflect and take learning, switch off and meditate ("walking my dog, and gardening are my enablers for this").

He also believes it is vital for advisers to have greater self-compassion, and to support each other in this respect.

Timpson recommends: “Know and be aware of yourself, colleague, and client. I share this as knowing and understanding that I’m neurodivergent, I now feel more comfortable with myself and reaching out for support if I need it plus, and importantly, reaching out to those I see could do with a helping hand/word, and offering it”.

Ways to support yourself and colleagues

Like Timpson, North feels that her autism led made it more difficult to settle at work and some really difficult situations. “As an autistic person, undiagnosed until this year, I have had many awful work experiences in my life that should never have happened.”  

They “had a huge impact on my confidence, whether I stayed in jobs at the time and how happy I have been in my roles.”

She says: "The outcome now is that I listen to myself more closely and try to extract myself from situations that may be harmful or avoid situations I think might cause problems later on. 

"It can take days to recover from an uncomfortable situation. I am also more comfortable just being myself but mainly because I no longer work for anyone else”

Self-compassion is very important for neurodivergent people as we are often misunderstood and asked to do things we don’t feel comfortable with.Hayley North, Rose & North

North believes that “this is the only life I have and in a work situation we are all replaceable”. 

She explains: “My health and wellbeing always has to come first - as it should for everyone. I also remind myself that very few people get it right all the time, it might seem that way but the reality is very different.”

North describes herself as “autistic - this is my preferred way of phrasing this)” and having ADHD. She says: “I have struggled with both for years in a world not designed for us but was only diagnosed this year.” 

Meeting needs to help yourself and others to function comfortably

Part of this struggle was exhausting herself in trying to live and work as a neurotypical person without understanding her additional needs.

Up to now she has been seen as neurotypical by other people. North says: “The additional challenges (of being diagnosed) are huge. Particularly when you have been viewed as neurotypical person your entire life, people can struggle to accept that you do in fact have additional needs".

These needs include:

• Giving yourself, clients and colleagues more time to process
• Long breaks between meetings
• Quiet working environments
• Detailed agendas and clear instructions.

Both personally and with mindfulness to colleagues and clients, advisers can help significantly by taking these needs on board and making simple adjustments that foster better self-compassion and compassion towards others.

Now that North understands herself better, she says is making clearer decisions about her own needs. 

She explains: “I am making much bolder decisions now about what I need (and don't need) in the workplace in order to function and be comfortable. Self-compassion is very important for neurodivergent people as we are often misunderstood and asked to do things we don’t feel comfortable with.

“I take a lot of time for myself and make sure I don't avoid difficult emotions. It is a work in progress.

“Being open about the challenges you face and the needs you have is really important. Not everyone will understand or support you but this then helps you find a safe group of people who do.” 

Anita Boniface is a freelance journalist