I wanted an AI adviser; I got Demis Roussos

After all, the US has been trialling AI-based financial advisers for investment and tax purposes for several years.

It can even use responsive imagery to present an AI person to us, that looks and responds to us on-screen as if a real adviser were looking at us.

What sort of recommendations or guidance could a client expect? How would that interaction progress?

How well tailored would it be, intuitively, to my financial aptitude and my attitudes to life, as it gleans from my online profile and social media all the information it could possibly need?

Demis has eight fingers and the flag is directly growing out of his tibia.

With what sort of accuracy will it pinpoint what I want and how I can get it - and would it be better than a face-to-face adviser?

Picture this: 

I enter a website for financial advice - AI style. After clicking all the boxes with motorcycles in and stating I am not a robot, a robot greets me on-screen.

It looks like Chris Hemsworth. "Hi. What can I do for you today?"

Um. There's only options for financial-based responses, so I type in my name. 

Immediately it recognises it as a Greek name and the image changes to a version of Theo Paphitis. "Welcome to X advisory consultancy. We are here to help you on your financial journey", he says.

I glide down the list and select 'female, 45'. 

The image changes again, but instead of someone like Tina Fey, I get Demis Roussos, in a green dress. 

Disturbed, but not deterred, I persist in clicking the 'Chat with Consultant' option.

"Kalimera, Simoney. Pós boró na se voithíso?" 

The machine is talking to me through the speakers, at full volume. I must have enabled it to access my microphone and video, and three new white hairs just appeared in response to the shock.

There isn't a button for "Oh hell no, I don't speak the language; I'm Fauxllenic. I'm only married to a Greek, please make this stop".

Instead I have to hover the cursor around a 'settings' tab while Demis repeats the question at me until I get it back into English. 

I also whack a post-it over the video camera; I note that I, too, am wearing a green dress. AI is being too responsive, I think.

We get back on track by chatting like normal, civilised, middle-aged people using the text function. 

I start by listing my goals, although once again what I write confuses the AI. "I'd like to retire in Canada as I am Canadian", I type. 

Suddenly Demis is sporting a mountie hat and waving a Maple Leaf Flag.

"You want to discuss retirement options, eh?" Bit stereotyped image of Canadians there, I think, pursing my lips and reaching for another maple syrup cookie. 

It's then I notice that Demis has eight fingers and the flag is directly growing out of his tibia. 

Also, the AI tech underpinning this conversation has pulled through from my social media a thousand pictures of cats and cakes and is creating a document 'about me and my needs'.

I'm being asked questions about setting up a charitable trust for a cats' home and whether I need referral for weight management before we can get onto discussing life insurance options. (Rude, but fair).

There's an option to switch to plain chat or to phone an AI adviser. I wave goodbye to Demis and exclaim "Ela, eh?" in recognition of my confused nationalities.

At this stage, I suspect most people my age would have switched to the phone.

We're used to automated telephony and we know some insurers and some basic banking functions operate phone lines along responsive AI. That is becoming par for the course. 

I'm not ready for a face-to-face with an online AI adviser, even though there are genuinely excellent responsive AI programmes in use in financial services. For example, some of the training material from Money Alive uses virtual, AI trainers brilliantly.

I'm okay with basic form-filling online but I'm not sure I am ready yet for responsive AI, or for allowing every aspect of my online presence to be able to be drafted into the know-your-client process. 

Of course, in a few years' time, most people under 40 will be used to this kind of SkyNet service. But for now, I'm sticking with flesh and blood.

That's probably for the best, eh?

simoney.kyriakou@ft.com